andhowareyou?

To all of you overweight women driving Renault Scenic’s with your short blonde hair, beige 3/4 lengths, sandals & armless flowery top… You ruin my summer.

The Public Toilet System...

Public toilets have always disgusted me… People pissing on the floors, saliva in the soap, the threat of excrement being smeared on the toilet roll… the list goes on really.

When holding it in is no longer an option, one must have a system in order to tackle the complications and issues that arise within the public restroom.

Step 1) Upon entering, always open the door using your elbow (which must be covered by your sleeve)

Step 2) Scan the room for anyone using the urinal(s)/floor… If so, head straight for the cubical.

Step 3) Always kick the door of the cubical open to avoid touching it with your hand (where everyone else has touched)

Step 4) If you must, raise the toilet seat using the very tip of your shoe (as suggested by Supersimbo)… but let’s face it, who really sits there? Certainly not me, so that means nobody else will either.

Step 5) Go about your business ONLY when you’re certain no one else is listening for the sound of urine splashing the potentially filthy toilet water over your clothes.

Step 6) Grab some toilet roll (that means a lot)… unlock the door making sure to not let your skin touch the door handle, only the toilet roll.

Step 7) With that same piece of toilet roll, flush the toilet and chuck it down there before it stops flushing. Proceed to open the door with your foot again.

Step 8) Turn on the warm tap using your elbow and wash only with water… don’t use soap (there could be spit in it)

Step 9) If the dryer comes on automatically, you have no need to touch it! If not, once again, use your elbow.

Step 10) Wait patiently for someone to either leave or enter the restroom to avoid touching the door. With some practice, this can be timed perfectly.

Work, Life & Sleepless Nights

I’m not going to go in to a stupid apology most bloggers go in to when they fail to update their blog regularly… eventually their blog just becomes filled with apologies because they have nothing else to say whilst they can’t really catch on to the idea of blogging regularly.

I’ve started work… a word that wasn’t really in my vocabulary for a year or two since leaving school. It still feels weird saying “I’m working” or “I’m going to work” and I still don’t feel part of the “working” world. I’ll get used to working soon.

I’ve started living… I don’t spend most of my day in bed anymore. My sleeping pattern has improved with the aid of ‘Nytol’ and iron supplements but I still feel like a drowsy outcast wandering the streets. I’ll get used to daylight soon.

I’ve got potentially comedic plans for this blog. Stay tuned.