andhowareyou?

Early Morning…

…It’s a time I’ve become used to. Not because I’m an ‘early bird’ but because I can’t seem to fall asleep before midnight. In fact, sometimes I can’t even fall asleep before 6am.

It’s supposedly a ‘cool’ problem to have in life. Many teenagers pride themselves on how late they’ve stayed up and how wrong their sleeping pattern may be. At a time I did too, I thought people would think I’m a really daring kind of guy doing things outside of the social norms by staying up late.

I don’t think it’s cool anymore… I don’t think it’s interesting or attention seeking. It’s problematic.

Sure, It feels great sleeping all day and finally getting 10+ hours of uninterrupted sleep but when it comes Saturday morning and I still haven’t slept before going to work, there’s a clear issue. Some mornings I don’t even drive to work because it wouldn’t be safe to do so.

There comes a point in the middle of the night where the day seems filled with so much promise. After deciding you’re going to skip sleep and stay awake all day, you come up with all these brilliant ideas of how you’ll fill all of this new time that’s suddenly become available with a split second decision. No more worrying about only getting 4 or 3 or even 2 hours sleep… you’ve beat that worry by deciding to just stay up all day.

Come 10am it feels like your whole world has come crashing down around you… the possibility of those ideas becoming reality slips away minute by minute. The car won’t get washed today, your room won’t get tidied and you certainly won’t shave either. You’ve burned out… all of your energy is gone and all you want now is some sleep.

With Autumn and Winter closing in, this continued cycle of sleeping all day… well, it means i’m going to be living in darkness unless I do something about it. Whenever you are actually living in darkness, every other prospect of your life feels like it’s in darkness. Everything is grey and hopeless.

Right now I’m not sure what I need to turn things around… but if definitely isn’t another cup of coffee.

…You’re running late, Sir?

I hate time. Why can’t everyone just forget about time and let things happen when they happen?

What time are you meeting me at? This train is late. The schedule is ruined!

I’ve never been a fan of time or being at a particular place at a particular time ‘on the dot’. I usually end up arriving late due to circumstances beyond my control… sure, you can argue and say my poor planning & anticipation didn’t accommodate or allow enough time for such circumstances to occur. So what’s the big deal if I’m 15 minutes late to meet you? You were meeting me anyway, I didn’t realise you had more important plans and if you do, why did you bother to arrange to meet me in the first place?

People become trapped by time… living religiously by it without really noticing. I however choose to break that taboo and go to bed sometime between when I’m awake and when I feel sleepy… And apparently I have to see a doctor about that.

Buses should run on a sort of vague estimation of when they arrived at the same stop the previous day. Meetings should commence whenever everyone gets there and Starbucks should be forever open.

Of course, I haven’t entirely thought this concept through… People would end up staying up all night, trains may never arrive because the driver decided to nod off for a while and then blame it on his poor estimation. Meetings would commence in the middle of the night and everyone at Starbucks wouldn’t be so cheery.

Perhaps, time is a good thing I’ve just never learned how to use.

Autumn & Winter…

We’re at the tail end of the Summer and I miss Autumn and Winter. Sure, sounds miserable doesn’t it? I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re not getting any more ‘sunny’ weather in this country. Our Summer is over. I miss the rain. I miss the dark nights and I miss the mood that comes with it.

To all of you overweight women driving Renault Scenic’s with your short blonde hair, beige 3/4 lengths, sandals & armless flowery top… You ruin my summer.

The Public Toilet System…

Public toilets have always disgusted me… People pissing on the floors, saliva in the soap, the threat of excrement being smeared on the toilet roll… the list goes on really.

When holding it in is no longer an option, one must have a system in order to tackle the complications and issues that arise within the public restroom.

Step 1) Upon entering, always open the door using your elbow (which must be covered by your sleeve)

Step 2) Scan the room for anyone using the urinal(s)/floor… If so, head straight for the cubical.

Step 3) Always kick the door of the cubical open to avoid touching it with your hand (where everyone else has touched)

Step 4) If you must, raise the toilet seat using the very tip of your shoe (as suggested by Supersimbo)… but let’s face it, who really sits there? Certainly not me, so that means nobody else will either.

Step 5) Go about your business ONLY when you’re certain no one else is listening for the sound of urine splashing the potentially filthy toilet water over your clothes.

Step 6) Grab some toilet roll (that means a lot)… unlock the door making sure to not let your skin touch the door handle, only the toilet roll.

Step 7) With that same piece of toilet roll, flush the toilet and chuck it down there before it stops flushing. Proceed to open the door with your foot again.

Step 8) Turn on the warm tap using your elbow and wash only with water… don’t use soap (there could be spit in it)

Step 9) If the dryer comes on automatically, you have no need to touch it! If not, once again, use your elbow.

Step 10) Wait patiently for someone to either leave or enter the restroom to avoid touching the door. With some practice, this can be timed perfectly.